I can say that realization will feel like a curse for a really long fucking time. You'll actually mourn the old you that swept all those red flags aside and lived her life of oblivion... until you look at your kid(s) and realize you've been gifted the realization that you can pull them out of the tainted legacy of you and your husband's families. Because of your gift, they will have a much better, more fulfilled and enlightened lives than if you stayed. It won't always be so apparent, but they will truly be better off.

Mine always said "we will have to agree to disagree" about my feelings about his truly shitty behavior...real dick-wad, that one...as are they all.

I so get this. I never wanted to be the "scorned," hatefull ex that "couldn't get over it," and I saw no value in vengence. I was lucky, though. he thought I would be and moved through the divorce quickly with nothing but a mediator. He didn't ask for alimony because I think he believed I would make his life a living hell, especeially when I found out about the woman he'd been sleeping with the last 5 years of our marriage. I just can't imagine what it's like for women like you who's narcissistic ex's did so much more damage through the complicit court systems. I've so much respect for your pain.

Fascinating. I would have thought the exact opposite. As I read definitions of EQ, I can see how my narcissistic ex-husband certainly did have a clever approach to using other's emotions against them (me) and for his favor. Perhaps that's what you are referring to as the emotional intelligence of a narcissist? As I see it, that's the key to what makes them so damn scary. Like they have the keys to the medicine cabinet, but administer the drugs to do the most damage rather than good.